Principles Used In Christian Counseling

The following are many of the principles used in counseling. What should be obvious is that this list is not all-inclusive. Other principles used by other counselors may not have made this list. That only means that we did not have that principle, or were aware of it, to include it here.

People Do The Things They Do, Because They Believe The Things They Believe.

Thinking shapes the emotions, which in turn shapes the behavior, which in turn shapes the results, which in turn shapes the thinking. We interpret, in our minds, the things that happen all around us. That interpretation becomes the way we believe. The way we believe decides what emotions we will have. The emotions we have directly affect our behavior. Our behavior brings about very real results. These results directly affect how we interpret things.

To change the things that are happening in our lives we must first change the way we think. We can control what gets into our minds by being selective about what we allow into our lives. We can learn to control our responses to those things about which we cannot be selective. To accomplish this, we must change the way we think. We must decide that some of our old “truths” were lies, and we must make the truth (the Word of God) to be our truth. Change is not change until there has been change.

Change is something that happens you can see results. Wanting change, believing in change, hoping for change, agreeing with change, knowing what must change, or expecting change, none of this is change. Do not fool and deceive yourself, the only results you are going to get will come directly from the actions you actually take, not the ones you imagine you did. If you want the same old things to keep happening to you, then keep doing the same old things you have always done.

Men Do Not Change Unless They Have To.

Is it a have to if?

Just because you think it should be important is not a “have to.”
Just because it hurts you or others is not a “have to.”
Just because it seems right to you is not a “have to.”
Just because it could turn out bad is not a “have to.”
Emotional arguments are not a “have to.”

What is a “have to?”

If there are consequences (real ones, not just one of those threats that you are always making), that is a “have to.”
If he is about to lose something (marriage, wife, children job, etc.), that is a “have to.”
If the results are painful (not just something that would hurt you), that is a “have to.”
If he loses the desired privilege (that means something he really wants, not just something you imagine he wants), that is a “have to.”
If it could result in his not continuing to live with the family, that is a “have to.”
If it is something that can cause a drastic change in his living pattern, that is a “have to.”

Only God Can Change A Man

Learn healthy boundaries for your relationship, but stop playing God. You cannot make him change. For a man to change, change must come from inside himself. You cannot change him from the outside, only God can.

The Wife Is Not God

Even though you know this in your mind, too many women still ignore this truth in their hearts and try to force change on their husbands. Keep this in mind: as long as he is busy fighting and quarreling with you, or trying to ignore you nagging him, he is not listening to God. You must learn to “let go, and let God” handle the problem. Remember, he really does know better than you what needs to happen. Keep this in mind, the biggest obstacle that God has, too often, in trying to deal with husbands, is the wife. Men and women do not think alike, get used to it! No matter how much you think you understand this, it is still the biggest reason for misunderstandings. The core difference is in how they deal with the abstract (summarizing the main points of an argument or theory).

What she thinks is important is based on how she feels about it. What he thinks about something is based on how he expects it to affect him. Just this difference alone almost makes it almost impossible for a man and a woman to understand each other. He thinks about what action is necessary to resolve problems. She thinks about how they cause her to feel. He wants her to quit trying to fix something that is not broken, while she wants him to work at improving on it.

A Man Follows The Same Pattern As Long As He Thinks It Is Working For Him.

If violence gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If caressing his wife gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If abusive behavior gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If loving his wife gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If substance abuse or alcohol gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If prayer and church get him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If threatening behavior gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If courtesy gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.
If lying gets him what he wants, he keeps on doing it.

It is what the real results are, not the imagined that have an impact on his thinking.

A Woman Follows The Same Pattern Because She Feels It Is Working For Her.

A woman will engage in a sexually adulterous relationship if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will give herself completely to her husband if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will stay in an abusive relationship if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will be faithful and committed to something, or someone if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will cast away her pride and self-confidence if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will keep herself healthy and “look pretty” if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will become involved in pornography or other sexually explicit behavior if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will remain pure and clean in mind and body if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will become vicious and vindictive if that will get her the emotional response she wants.
A woman will be forgiving and cooperative if that will get her the emotional response she wants.

The point is that if you will learn and accept this truth, then you will start to approach each other in a more reasoned manner and get better results from each other.

Forgiveness Frees, But Stupidity Ensnares (Traps You)

What are the benefits of forgiveness?

Forgiveness will free you from the painful memory of what was done to you.
Forgiveness allows God to do his work, or take revenge, for you.
Forgiveness allows you to go on with your life, and actually be in control of your decisions.
Forgiveness breaks the connection between you and the one who hurt you. You can have a life without them there emotionally.
Forgiveness allows you to heal.

What if you choose not to forgive?

If you don’t forgive, it keeps you connected to the one(s) who hurt you.
If you don’t forgive, it keeps God from doing what he wants to do to help you, because he gives you the choice of forgiving or not.
If you don’t forgive, it keeps the memory of the pain real in your mind and heart.
If you don’t forgive, it keeps you trapped in a life of bitterness and anger.
If you don’t forgive, then you will not be forgiven.

So then what is stupidity?

Forgive, but do not “forget.” People who “forget” are taken advantage of by the same people who had hurt them before. The bible does not require you to forget, that would be stupid.

Stupid is not setting healthy boundaries in your life.
Stupid is not taking corrective action when harmed.
Stupid is not protecting yourself and your children.
Stupid is giving someone chance after chance after chance . . .
Stupid is trying to do it all by yourself and not see a counselor.
Stupid is staying out of the church and isolating yourself from some people who would help you through
Stupid is getting mad at and avoiding God during this time. He is the only one who can do really change things for the better.
Stupid is keeping what is happening a secret. That is what the offender wants you to do so that he can keep on doing what he is doing.
Stupid is thinking that suicide is the best answer and that everyone will be better off without you.
Stupid is “forgetting” what was done to you.
Stupid is not forgiving.

Even with forgiving someone, there must be consequences for the wrong that was committed. Just as if someone gets aids during extra-marital sex, God may forgive them, but they will still probably die of aids. If the person who hurt you does not accept your consequences, then impose the biggest consequence and consider leaving them out of your life.

Children Learn More From What They See Than From What They Hear.

If you believe that what you are doing will not affect your children’s decisions later on in life, you are really fooling yourself. Stop telling them the right things to do, and start showing them with your life. Children learn through consistent behavior. Either good consistent or bad consistent. Children truly want discipline, but good and consistent discipline, not unclear and inconsistent threats and punishment. What you do can be so loud that your children won’t be able to hear what you might be saying.

Reward Good Behavior, Not Bad Behavior.

Attention is attention is attention is attention. For someone who wants attention. Bad attention is better than no attention. If you get caught in the trap of having to constantly give bad attention to someone (like having to correct them) who keeps messing up, then you have just as big a problem as they do. Behavior is learned. When we either get what we want or get away with doing wrong, we learn what we can and cannot do. If we can keep doing what is wrong and still be rewarded for it, then we will keep doing what is wrong. When we no longer get what we want or keep getting away with doing wrong, we then change our behavior. You can teach correct behavior to someone by exercising a wise reward system. Reward the behavior you want, and do not reward wrong or incorrect behavior.

Make all the behavior you want to teach conditional. That is if they want to receive a certain reward, they must behave in a specific manner. For example, if your husband will “romance” you then you will “give yourself” to him in sex. For example, if he helps you with cleaning the table and on occasion with the dishes, then you continue to cook his food. For example, if your child cleans up his room without prompting, then you will be more agreeable to buying that something he wants. For example, if your wife shows respect for you in front of others, you express (verbalize) your love for her in front of others. The biggest problem with all this is that it must be consistent on your part. If you do not keep up with your part, it will lose its effect. Don’t confuse outward behavior with internal change. You can affect the outward behavior of almost any person, but you cannot change them. Don’t try to do what you cannot, but work effectively on what you can.

Rewarding the bad.

If the only time that special someone in your life gets your attention is when they mess up, and they really badly want your attention, then they will continue to mess up.

You have to learn to avoid reacting to their mess ups and choose responses that will not perpetuate the problem. It is not a matter of “punishing the bad.” That is attention as well. The problem is learning to deny attention for the wrong behavior, but giving attention to the “right” behavior. If you just punish someone, but they still get the attention they wanted, then they still don’t have to change their behavior. Screaming, yelling, nagging, fighting, arguing, and so forth, are all rewards for those who are dying for attention. To these people, all this stuff just tells them to keep on doing what they are doing, because it is working for them. You may lie to yourself and think “he really hates my nagging,” but in reality, it may be the only time he really has your complete attention.

Rights versus privileges

Sex is a privilege of legal matrimony. Sex is not a right that can be taken on demand. Being waited on by someone is a privilege that is achieved by compromise. Being waited on is not a right just because of marriage or relation. If someone is not willing to give something back in return, then they should not have the privilege they want. Rights are something which can be demanded. Privileges are something that we can do because of an agreement. Be clear as to what are “rights” and what are “privileges.” Privileges always have conditions which define the privilege.

Husbands Love Your Wives, Wives Respect Your Husbands.

Husbands need to feel respected by their wives. Wives need love from their husbands. This is something that God created in them, not just their own pettiness trying to force themselves on each other. Why is this so important?

When the husband loves his wife, his wife will respect him.
When the wife respects her husband, her husband will love her.

Love versus respect

Love (in this case) is the outward expression of the man for his wife.

He can achieve this by verbalizing his love for her.
He can demonstrate it by his courtesy and treatment of her, especially in front of others.
He can prove it by his willing effort to “romance” her often, not because he necessarily feels it, but because he knows that she wants and needs that from him.
He can nurture it by listening to her without criticizing or trying to “fix” everything she says.
He can strengthen it by being a man of his word that she can trust.

Respect (in this case) is the outward expression of the woman for her husband.

She can achieve this by verbalizing her respect for him.
She can demonstrate it by her courtesy and treatment of him, especially in front of others.
She can prove it by her willing effort to share herself sexually with him often, not because she necessarily feels it, but because she knows that he wants and needs that from her.
She can nurture it by listening to him without criticizing or contradicting everything he says.
She can strengthen it by being a woman of her word that he can trust.

Relationships require commitment, work, and compromise. Some people have trouble with relationships because they have no idea what they are doing, or what they really want. If you ask most people what they are looking for in a relationship, the answer will be mostly about themselves and how they will be satisfied. How many persons say, “I want to get married because I want to fulfill the dreams and desires of someone else, even if mine does not make it?”

For a relationship to work for the mutual benefit of those involved, both have to benefit from the relationship, and both must be willing to give of themselves to each other. It is not what you want to give others that is so important, but what they want from you that is paramount. The question is, “are you actually going to do what they want you to do, just to keep the relationship going?” Little girls dream of that “knight in shiny armor” who will come and sweep them off their feet with love and romance. Little boys dream of having a “mama” to take care of them all of their lives. What the little girl ends up with most often is “the evil knight” in dingy armor” and the boy ends up with “the wicked witch of the west” who wants to change and control him

For a relationship to work: both persons must have realistic expectations and then be fair of what to expect of each other, but at the same time, more willing to do their part even if the other one is not doing theirs as well. Compromise requires that you give a little to get a little and that you give a lot to get a lot. For any relationship to succeed there must be a 100% effort on part of both persons. The 50-50 lie means someone is only doing half of what they can actually do. Trying halfway means not trying the other half.

Plan To Succeed Or Do Not Plan And Fail.

If you are not doing it on purpose, then you don’t have a purpose. A couple who do not know what they want from their relationship five years down the road, don’t know what to do right now to get there. It’s like a blind man trying to paint a red rose. If you cannot describe what you want for your relationship five (5) years down the road, then you will not have any idea what to do today to get started in that direction. If you can describe what you want for your relationship five (5) years down the road, then you will immediately know the first step for today to get started in that direction. For example, you can’t buy that house without money. You can’t (legally) get money without a job. You can’t get a job without looking for one. You can’t find one until you actually go out and turn in applications. So the first step to buying a house is deciding to go out and look for a job.

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

That means both bad and good. Right and wrong. Whether you like it or not. You may feel that you are getting away with what you are doing, but it will catch up with you, and the results, in the end, may not have been worth it. If what you are “giving away” is what you want to get back, then keep on giving it away. If what you are getting is a lot of bad, check yourself out carefully for what you are giving away.

God does not listen to the prayers (or you could say desires and wishes) of a man who mistreats his wife. If you want God to care about what you are going through, mister, then treat your wife the way he says to do so. Pay attention to your wife first, and secondly to everyone else (that includes the children). Stop noticing that other ladies’ new dress, or her recent hair-do, if you are not, first of all, notice the same (and acknowledging it) in your own wife. Too many men notice all the niceties of other women (they claim that they are just being polite), but don’t even notice that their own wives are wearing new shoes. A man who will intentionally mistreat his wife is, in essence, saying to God that he doesn’t care what God says and that he refuses to obey him.

Any Male Can Act Tough And Threaten Others, But A Real Man Keeps His Word.

What makes a male a man is that he keeps his word. A man who keeps his word can be trusted about everything he says. If a man will not keep his word he is already a liar.

A man thinks before he gives his word. It is stupid to give your word over something that you know is wrong. Choose carefully what to or not to give your word about. Prior compromises, such as your wedding vows or giving your life to the lord, or that promise to take your kids somewhere, outweigh any present “urgent” concerns. For example, it is not fair to ignore something you already gave your word on just because what is happening now seems so urgent. Remember also: it is not fair to change your mind about something unless the one you gave your word to is willing to agree to the change (without you forcing them to, or making them feel guilty).

Never Put The Urgent Ahead Of The Important.

Urgent things are a natural part of life. They will always be there and always demand your attention. Just because something seems urgent, that does not make it important. Urgent things always seem important.

What is important?

Your relationship with God is important.
Your marriage is important.
Your children are important.
Your health is important.

What is urgent?

Emergencies are urgent.
Work pressures are urgent.
Getting things done right now is urgent.
And so on.

If you will make sure to take care of the important, then you’ll be happier when you have to deal with the urgent, but, if you are always dealing with the urgent, you will always be unhappy, because the important is being ignored.

A Man Cannot Respect A Woman Who Will Not Respect Herself.

Women who allow men to keep on mistreating them and not take action to stop the abuse are not showing respect for themselves. Women who will not set healthy boundaries regarding how they are to be treated by men are not showing respect for themselves. If a woman wants to be truly respected by men, she must first demonstrate that respect for herself, and then she can demand it of them. A woman shows respect for herself when she no longer accepts or allows behavior from anyone else (no matter who they are) that is harmful to her and those she cares about. This would include not letting the children do something that is “wrong” for them, even if they don’t like the restriction. This would include not accepting her husband’s behavior that is “wrong,” even if he doesn’t like the restriction.

At times the best way to show respect for our self is to have to make the serious and difficult decision to exclude someone from our lives, even if it makes us feel sad at first. It is better to be sad for a while than to be miserable for a long period of our life.

Women Say One Thing But Mean Another.

Foolish men listen to what women say without considering what they mean. Men ought to listen more to women’s meaning and less to their words. If a man really wants to know what a woman is trying to get across to him, he must listen to her meaning rather than just to her words.

Women Listen To Men With Their Hearts, Instead Of Their Heads.

It is better for women to listen with their heads, and be ready to agree with their hearts, if necessary. If you want things to stay the way they’ve always been, then keep doing the same things you’ve always done. Past behavior that has produced bad results in your life will continue to produce the same results as long as you continue the same behavior. Any changes in your behavior will automatically produce different results. The question is what kinds of changes are you making. Healthy behavior changes produce healthy results. Unhealthy behavior changes produce unhealthy results. Small changes produce small results, and big changes produce big results.

Words Are Cheap – Part 1. Do It First, And Talk Later.

Many persons have a mistaken idea that if they just say something, that in and of itself it is enough. They will become angry when someone complains that they should actually do what they said. Persons who can be trusted are those whose actions prove their words before they have to say anything. For example, a man who sees a problem or need and steps right in, without saying anything, and starts to do something about it. This person will never be mistaken for being a “know-it-all,” or a braggart. He will be known for what he does, and he is worth listening to. For example, a woman makes time for other ladies who are going through rough times. She listens to them. She prays with and for them. She visits them. This person will never be mistaken for being a “know-it-all,” or a braggart. She will be known for what she does, and she is worth listening to.

Don’t make promises you will not keep. And, don’t avoid making promises just because you won’t keep your word.

Words Are Cheap – Part 2. Repent First, Apologize Later

If you break out someone’s window, accident or not, and you offer an apology, what good was the apology? Did it fix the window, or is the window still broken? Apologies, in and of themselves, have no real value. It is only after someone takes action that proves that he or she is truly apologetic that the apology may have any real value. Fix the window first then offer your apology

Regret is not repentance, repentance requires action.

Regret means that someone is just sorry that they were caught doing something or that they’re sorry that they can’t keep doing what they were doing that was wrong.

Repentance means that the person (on their own) decided to stop what they were doing and change their behavior so that they will not keep doing what they were doing that was wrong.

Repentance is valuable, regret means very little. Therefore, apologies without action are just regretted with no repentance.

If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy. Keep Mama Happy.

A man who learns to minister to his wife, by obeying the word of God in how he treats her, will have a “happy” home. We all know of homes were “mama ain’t happy.” These homes are more like houses of turmoil. Mama and daddy at each other’s necks. Brothers and sister fighting. Parents and children at odds with each other. No happiness. Why? Because the soothing force of the mother is not present. She more than anyone else has the capacity to bring peace to the home, or throw it into chaos. If dad will learn this principle and honors his wife, treat her as the more delicate one, and demonstrate his love for her in front of others, his home will be a happier one for everyone.

Submission Is God’s Way Of Protecting The Wife.

We are to submit to the “authority” that is over us. For anyone to submit to an “authority,” there must first be an authority. For anyone to have authority, they must be compliant with the authorizing agent. For example, what gives a policeman the authority he has, his badge and gun, or that he obeys the laws he promised to obey? If he breaks the law, does he still have his authority? Obviously, he loses his authority when he breaks the law. The same is true of a husband who disobeys the “laws” that make him the head of his household. If he disobeys those “laws” he loses his “authority” over his wife. A man who obeys the “laws” that give him his authority deserves for his wife to “submit” to him. This submission will protect her because her husband will do what the “law” requires and make sure she is safe and loved. Without this submission, there is no assurance for her in her marriage.

Submission does not mean he is in control. They are both equally accountable to each other. It only means that the husbands take on the extra responsibility to lead his family in adherence to the “law.” In every other way, it means the wife has the same rights to do whatever her husband is doing because his doing it gives her permission under the law. If a man does not want to be treated like a child, then he should stop acting like one. A big complaint of men is that their wives are always trying to change them. The problem with that statement is that many of them need to be changed. They behave like big babies, selfish, stubborn, and prideful, and then they don’t want anyone to tell them that it is wrong to behave that way.

Most of the time, when a woman is complaining to her husband, it is about something that can be resolved if he will make some adjustment or change. But, it is the “little boy” in them that fights against change. They behave like children but don’t want their wives to treat them that way. If you don’t like your wife to treat you like a child, then grow up and take on adult responsibilities. Keep your word, and don’t make her do the things that you are supposed to be doing. She should not have to take on the brunt of the responsibilities in the home.

If A Wife Does Not Want To Be Treated Like Her Husband’s Mama, She Should Quit Acting Like His Mama.

If a man is attracted to his mama sexually that man has serious problems, right? If a man’s wife acts like his mama, why should she then complain that he is attracted to women who are not his mama, right? Women need to let their husbands fail at times so that they will learn to be more responsible. Too many times women jump in and take over marital responsibilities because they claim their husbands are not doing them. This alone will emasculate your husband (deprive a man of his male role or identity). A creature with two heads is a monster. How many heads does your marriage have?

If both husband and wife work outside the home, then both husband and wife should share in the household duties and responsibilities.

It Takes Two To Make A Marriage Work, And It Takes Two To Destroy It.

Regardless of the circumstances in a troubled marriage, there are always two sides to every story. Though there may be situations when one of the two are obviously wrong in what is being done, both spouses have somehow contributed to the problem(s). And, just as it takes two persons to ruin a relationship, it also means that both individuals in a troubled marriage must make changes for that relationship to survive.

People do what they do because they believe what they believe.
Every event in a person’s life, good or bad, has the potential to change the course of one’s life.
Any lie, if it’s believed will seem like the truth to the believer.
Change is not change until there’s been change.
You have to know where you are going, to know the first step to get there.
It’s not what happens to us or what we do, but how we define ourselves because of those things, that shape our lives from then on.