I have tried to live my life to love Jesus and to serve Him, but I have gotten a huge complex that I am a failure at obedience and surrender. I am 52 years old and currently fighting a lot of guilt feelings as I look back over the past 30 years of my life. How have I lived it? Has it truly been yielded to God? Or have I chosen my own path far more times than I can count? Moreover, is God pleased with me? Or can He forgive me? I’m so afraid of pushing His love and grace away because I wrestle so much with surrender in the most basic ways. I’ve tried to surrender at altars several times, but I find myself back in the same place again – feeling like I’ve been stubborn and afraid to give Him all. What does it even look like to “give Him your all”? Have I tried to reserve the right to hold back a part of me from Him, expecting Him to do all the work for me? It’s bothering me so much that I’ve had a doctor prescribe a higher level of my BP meds. It’s affected my sleep and my concentration. I feel afraid of living on the precipice of God’s mercy, fearing I will topple into the ravine of His anger below. I’ve experienced His great love and forgiveness before, but I don’t want to take that for granted – and there is so much Scriptural teaching about that. I want that obedient heart – and I need His grace and His Spirit’s power to achieve that. Thank you for allowing me to reach out for help. Nick
The response from Pastor Juan
Dear Nick,
I am 68 years old, and I gave my life to the Lord some 35 or so years ago. Since then I have had to answer that question in my own life as well. I even wrote a poem about it.
I Don’t Know How to Love You
My Lord, I wish I knew You,
The way that you know me.
I wish You were my all in all;
That you were all that I could see.
But I don’t know how to love You,
Though that’s what I want so much
I want to feel your love for me,
And to know your graceful touch.
You gave your life for me, my Lord,
Due to all my sins you died.
And though I am so grateful, Jesus,
On many nights, I have cried.
Because I don’t know how to love You,
In the way You want it done.
I judge myself so harshly, Lord,
And then I tend to feel alone.
I seem to seek importance,
Much more than I seek You.
Because I know what I desire,
And the feeling isn’t always true.
I don’t know how to love You,
But this I want to learn.
I want my heart to ache for you,
And to love You back in turn.
Teach me how to learn, my Lord,
To humble my self and will.
To allow you to lift me up,
My lack of love for You to fill.
I don’t know how to love You,
But I will submit to you myself.
So I will always place You first,
You belong on my top shelf.
Within me, renew a right spirit,
Create in me a brand new heart.
Draw me oh so close to You,
That from Your love I’ll never part.
Our struggle is that of many believers who judge themselves so harshly. One reason may be because even after we accept God’s forgiveness for our sins, there seems to be a question in our minds that “all” of our sins were truly forgiven. Sometimes we seem to find one or two sins that feel like they were not covered in that forgiveness. This becomes even worse when we find ourselves repeating a certain “wrong” behavior which we ourselves (as well) judge as sinful.
God judges us according to our intentions (1 Samuel 16:7 (NASB) But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”). If your heart is truly desiring of doing well before the Lord, but you keep failing, God knows what it is that you really want and judges you on that. Of course, He knows the truth. He knows if you do truly want to give Him your whole life but are just failing because you are human.
Notice these verses, 1 John 5:16-17 (NASB) “If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death. There is a sin leading to death; I do not say that he should make request for this. 17 All unrighteousness is sin, and there is a sin not leading to death.” What is a sin not unto death? Well, that can be understood in two ways.
First, failure. This is where we know what to do but fail to do it (James 4:17). God calls us unto perfection, which means He wants us to allow Him to keep changing us until we become “perfect” as He is perfect. That we do by obeying Him. Keep this in mind, and repeat it often to yourself. If I obey, I will change. Each time you obey, He changes you a bit more. That “change” does not go away because you sin again, it just means you need to obey more. Let me give you an example if God tells you to pray for one hour and you only pray for 59 minutes and 59 seconds and stop. Well, you failed. Literally, this means you sinned. But, it is not “a sin unto death.” In other words, no one was required to die on the cross for this type of “sin.” The word sin specifically means to miss the mark (to not get it right). The way this type of sin is to be handled is for the person to recognize that they got it wrong and for them to learn the “right” way to do things and to start doing that.
Secondly, error. Again, God calls us unto “perfection.” This time we need to understand this in a different way: We know what to do but misunderstand how we are to do it. Many persons spend much time doing things “for God,” instead of doing what God tells them to do. Instead of taking our time and praying, studying, learning, etc., we too often act on what we decide is the right thing to do. The right thing, and what God wants to be done, sometimes is not the same thing. When we go full blast at “trying to do God’s will,” without first taking the time to ask Him what He wants to be done, it will cause us to “miss the mark” (sin). We will get things wrong. We will err. And, how should we handle that? We recognize we got it wrong and take our time and praying, studying, and learning, how to get it right next time.
If you truly want that obedient heart, then accept His forgiveness for ALL your sins. Keep on obeying Him to the best of your ability (allowing Him to keep changing you) and stop beating yourself up. Only God has the right to judge His children, you don’t have that right. Let Him beat you up if that becomes necessary, and you will find that He will instead be merciful, compassionate, and loving.
I hope I helped you with this answer.
